• Matthew J Fowler

The Most Honest I Have Been In A While

I know that I haven’t posted in a couple of weeks and that is because I have been masking my emotions too much. As a person with Autism masking is a big issue for me. Some days I struggle my self to describe how I am I feeling and what I am going through because there is so much going on in my head and I am struggling internally were to place it all. This blog is going to be the most honest that I have been in a while and I am writing it to liberate my head and free up some of my energy. I feel like if I don’t write this blog then my triggers are going to get the best of me and I refuse to let happen. Expressing myself sometimes isn’t as easy as it seems sometimes it feels like my head is a blocked radiator that needs bleeding. So this is me just letting out all of the stuff that is bothering me right now that I am struggling to articulate.

I am going to start by saying right now I am scared sick and tired of this whole COVID shit I am sick of hearing about lockdowns. My flat is a pandemic free zone from now I am not listening to the news anymore. I am fed up of the way that things are constantly changing to rapidly all the time it feels like trying to standing up on ice and falling over when you have never skated before.

Managing my money has also been a big issue for me and I am struggling with that too also managing my food budget and having to always rely on others when I should be able to do things for myself. Right now, another thing that is bothering me about this COVID thing is wearing masks people with Autism have sensory issues when it comes to sound taste hearing touch and all the senses you can think off. Sometimes I wear my mask sometimes it gets very uncomfortable so I have to take it off or risk a meltdown. You then get these morons when you walk into a shop with your exception lanyard on having a go at you or looking down on you because are not wearing your mask. After you explain to them that you have a hidden disability. When it comes to being out in public, I am just so fed up to the back teeth of having to prove my existence all the dam time. I just feel like yelling at the world for goodness sake let me live please!

One of the biggest things that is bothering me in this whole pandemic is asking for support which I am seeing the same pattern that I did when I was school. What would happen is that I would do really well in some areas and improve and make progress then all of a sudden, my support would come to a halt because they think that the problem is gone. I ring up support lines talk to people but I am always at the back of the que when it comes to support. I just wish people understood that Autism is a life long condition and is not temporary like a headache that goes away. The thing is when I speak out my life and stuff, I am open as honest I have been in this blog, I am the called an attention seeker by the same people who could fall at the first hurdle if they lived a second of what I am going through at the moment. I CAN’T BE LIKE YOU BECAUSE I WASN’T BORN LIKE YOU!

The thing is why do things always have to get so bad before anyone takes a notice and actually starts to help you. By writing this I am not asking for attention or anything as many of you know writing for me is a platform that helps me and its something that I love to do. I just wish things were a little bit easier than they were at the moment it feels like I am going through the hardest year of my life. I just want to take this opportunity to thank my family my fiancée Lisa you have got me through some of the toughest days so far and my close friends you know who you are. I know this is very deep and emotionally driven post but if you ever need anyone too talk or if I can do anything for anyone else or if you feeling like me then please reach out to me.

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